I'm really not sure what to write about today, in fact I wasn't sure I'd write a blog post at all. Not much has been going on professionally lately, besides the same grind I've been under for the past few months. It has a tendency to wear you down and drag on.
It doesn't help when I have days like today, days where I'm in bed on and off until late afternoon. There's nothing wrong with me per say, I just don't feel like doing any work. I never know when it's going to hit me; it just comes out of left field and cripples my willpower. I think it's brought on by the job I have right now, writing for an online publication I really don't care about. I don't enjoy the writing I do, and I feel like it's never up to snuff. There's always some email or some note with its own criticism, usually about working faster and also watching out for those typos. I feel guilty for complaining; at least I'm getting paid to write. It just feels like being an artist who's paid to draw those "paint by numbers" books. It's a living I guess (if it even is that), but it doesn't feel purposeful or worth my time.
I'm not sure how to fix that, but I know it goes one of two ways. I can try getting a more standard job, one that forces me to get up at a certain time, commute and stay stuck in the same building as a few dozen people for a set number of hour. It would force me out of this slump and force me to adhere to a stricter schedule. It might light a fire under my ass and remind me why I'm trying to make this crazy writer/actor/wrestler thing work (sounds like a terrible D&D multiclass). The downside is it might make me sideline my dreams again, like the last time I had a job. I might return to being an angry, stressed out person who takes out his frustrations on the people around him. My last job gave me the ability to watch money pile up in my bank account. I had no expenses and wasn't the biggest spender. But I just watched it pile up, proud of having 20k in my account as a 20-something. While at the same time, I became more frustrated with the whole world and lost touch with the people around me. That 20k is gone now, and it's one of my biggest regrets. Mainly because I didn't invest it, save it or really do anything to grow it. At the same time, it's allowed me to explore all the things I needed to try over the course of a year, and led me to where I am now. So maybe not really something worth regretting.
The other thing I could do is go all in. I could flip the bird to my employer, write a blog post everyday rather than twice a week. I could pump out scripts for shorts and features consistently, give us stuff to shoot rather than wait for people to "notice" me and cast me in paying parts. Maybe i should be putting every ounce of myself and every second of my time into these things I call dreams. Because I realized something today. I do want to be a multimillionaire, but it's not the thing that motivates me. If it was, I'd write for my employer every minute that I could, build up some cash and start investing and playing around with it. What really motivates me is finding my purpose and living up to it. I think that purpose is telling stories, making people feel, and by extension making their lives just a bit better. When I think about it, it's really what I've been doing my whole life.
I'm on the verge of something here. I don't know if it's a great realization, fantastic change or terrible catastrophy. It scares the shit out of me. It means I must be doing something right.