Hope and Other Pursuits

So now we know for sure; I didn't get that commercial that I auditioned for last week. I'm sure most of me knew the odds were slim, but there's always that small slice of me that wants to defy all expectations. It's like this kernel of hope that keeps me going forward no matter how often I'm told I can't. I think that's really the only thing that's kept me going until this point. No, actually that's not really accurate. In truth there are other things that keep my feet from becoming anchored or worse, starting a shameful trek backwards. There's passion, drive, ambition, the classic buzzwords you'll find all over YouTube and those Instagram accounts that post motivational quote every day. Sure, I've got those things, but they all stem from that tiny slice of hope. It's dwarfed by doubt and insecurities, but it shines through regardless. It's hope that I'm going to achieve something worth doing, that I'm going to leave a legacy, and that I'm not stupid for pursuing a dream. It's born from this sense that yes, I am good enough to reach my goal. Yes, I do have the drive to get to where I need to be, even if the motivation might escape me now and then.

There are days where I don't get any work done. There's days when I'm asked to hang out and I deflect the request because I have too much work to do. The truth is, in that moment, I mean it too. I usually do have a lot of work to get done. But sometimes I don't get the motivation I need to get my work done that day, and I end up not really doing much of anything. Then it feels like I lied. It makes me feel like a sham, like I put up this image of some hardworking guy who stays up super late to get work done (which I do), when that's not who I am in reality. Part of me knows that's not the truth, and that I am that hard worker. Part of me knows that I'm not putting up an image, because I don't give a fuck what people say behind my back. Doesn't change the fact that pursuing your dreams like this boxes you in, and that it's a bit lonely at times. It's a confusing and frustrating process, where you try not to push people away as you buckle down to get shit done. You want to have it all figured out so you know exactly when you need to withdraw, and when you can give your time to the people you care about. But it doesn't work that way. I'm spread so thin, and I've got so many things to keep my mind on that it doesn't leave much for everyone else. Hell, just in the time it took me to write this blog post, I realized I had a gig on Fiverr that was running late. That's not counting the wikiHow work that's going undone. And then there's acting, you know that thing I want to do. I don't even know what I should be doing right now to push that along, but I know I should be doing something. That's the thing with these creative pursuits. You know you've got to row like a motherfucker to get where you want to go, but you can't always see the north star, and sometimes you're worried that you're going to end up rowing in circles.