Going in Circles

I didn't write a blog post Monday because I felt like I had nothing to write about. Most of the time, I'm writing about writing, acting or wrestling. All these things I'm trying to get good at, so that eventually I might make a career out of them and feel like I can be taken seriously. But I've been in such a slump these past two weeks (probably in part because I've been sick) that nothing really moved forward. I stopped writing for my main client because I couldn't handle the conditions anymore, and I didn't write much of anything else that week. I hadn't been able to wrestle because I was contagious, and I wouldn't want to get anyone at the gym sick and mess up the upcoming show. So what was I supposed to write about? Lack of progress?

It hit me, just now, that this is exactly what I need to write about. I'm not going to pretend I speak for all entrepreneurs (which I'm not), writers (which I barely am) or actors (which I'm not really). I'm just going to talk about an irritant I've been dealing with, and others might relate. The best way to describe it in a sentence: it feels like impostor syndrome, except you don't have the success yet. Impostor syndrome happens when you're already successful, but you feel like a fraud. You feel like you're just one "big reveal" away from losing all of it, like you're about to be exposed. Usually this isn't the case; someone experiencing impostor syndrome typically has some skill that's led to their success. This thing I'm feeling, it feels like I'm kidding myself. I'm not sure if it's just caused by the bumps in the road, or it's because I'm not all in yet. Writing-wise, I'm not writing what I want to be. I'm writing to survive, and that means copywriting which is not something I enjoy (but I can grit my teeth and bare it). Acting-wise...well I'm not. I've had a couple auditions, but my last paid gig was nearly six months ago. It's all the more bitter because I remember the feeling of being flown out, all expenses paid, because I was needed as an actor. Now, I can barely get an audition. It's a painful fall back to reality, to the bottom rung of the ladder. Just goes to show you don't get to skip any rungs.

Wrestling feels like the only thing that's actually moving forward. I started training in February and started wrestling at the end of May. Since then, I've wrestled in four matches. I'm very much a rookie, but it's been a quick journey. Maybe it helps that I've essentially been training for it my entire life (I've been studying martial arts since I was 8). I end up comparing my attempt at an acting career to my wrestling endeavors, and it's painful to see the lack of progress.

It's hard because life sucks right now. I'm making a couple of hundred dollars a month, I live in a room in my mom's basement (which I share with her cat), and I don't really have the freedom to go where I want when I want. I don't really get to go out much because I'm broke. I'm not where I want to be. I'm supposed to enjoy the journey, but right now it feels like going in circles. I don't want to complain, I hate it. Maybe it's a sign that I'm supposed to go all in. Pack up and go to Toronto, put everything into acting more consistently. Can I win if I'm not all in? I guess that's what I need to figure out.